So just as we are getting to know each other I go an upset  the balance...I'm a sneaky bitch like that.  Don't ever be too comfortable, bwahahahahaha.

 

I'm so dramatic.  Anyhoo...I wanted a more blog friendly atmosphere and a lot of people that used to frequent here are no longer here they are there.  So now I am there.

 

Please, please come visit :)

Ummm...so I'm thinking that you all must be super bored and I'm incredibly dumb.  You guys must speak multiple languages because when I go to your sites I look for the translator button and there isn't one?  WTF.  Thanks peeps I needed more self esteem issues. 

 

So in case you are wondering here are some things in the US that I will not live without and you can tell me if you have them in your country!!

 

1-Dunkin Donuts-hands down kicks Starbucks ass.  I buy the coffee for my house too.  I've been addicted since I was a little girl when my Mom used to take me there and I would watch the guy make the donuts through a window. 

 

2-TiVo-I'm pretty sure this is international but, just in case you didn't know I am a TV junkie.

 

3-Netflix-see number 2...also a movie freak

 

4-The Limited-I love this store so much I want to marry it and have lots and lots of its babies and I don't like being pregnant

 

5-Runescape-now I know this is international but, I could not live without it as my 12 year old is addicted to it and therefore leaves me alone!!  I am mom of the year I know...

 

6-Target-Do they have Target in France??  Well they should if they don't.  I may have to seriously join a support group, it's a problem.

 

7-Sonic-have you ever had a Chili Frito Wrap??  Um yeah no so good for the heart but, sooooooo fucking yummy.

 

I'm sure there are more but, they revolve around shopping and food so you get the idea :) 

ABC, you suck.  You know you got me all hot and and sweaty over last night's Lost and THEY DIDN'T EVEN DO IT.  I mean I know it's network TV and you can't get all F/X dirty on us, but shit at least let me use my imagination!!  But, no Sawyer and Kate did not do it.  They make you think for a second that they did and I was fully prepared to take what I could and turn it into dirty, dirty sex.  Then, then (!) the next morning you find out no, they did not get nakkie.  Sigh, then she gets up all stupid and leaves.  I now am over Kate.  Clearly she's mentally challenged and I wish I wasn't so damn obsessed with this show.   I would ban it on principle but, then I'd miss seeing my Sawyer every Thurs.   Though watching that dude from The Tudors looks very promising AND it's on cable!!  Mmmmm....

 

God I have it bad for Sawyer....tomorrow night at 9pm do not bother calling...there is a promised loved scene and fucking ABC better deliver!!!

 

 

 

I knew I missed one!!

 

Don't get into a fight with your ginormous breasted BFF. 

 

If you are wondering, I totally won. 

 

First off it was awesome!!  Second, what a bunch of pussies.  A small group that got in on Friday went out for drinks like I mentioned.  I got home early and was in bed at 2am.  My baby who may be the spawn of satan himself promptly got up earlier than she has in months at 6:30am.  Yep that's 4.5 hours of sleep.  I did take a nap with her but, have the most annoying habit of not really being able to nap so I slept maybe an hour.  So that is now a whopping 5.5hrs of sleep.  Somewhere around 11am my whore of a bff calls me FROM HER FUCKING BED.  I hate that cunt.  But, at least she knows how to party even if she did earn the nickname, "drunk obnoxious twat." 

 

Sat. aka the BIG night.  The B2B is bitching about being tired and how she wants to be back at the hotel by midnight.  We have to order coffee after dinner for all the old ladies.  The majority of the bitches there are around 35-36 and all have zero kids.  They all got twice as much sleep as me...wtf?  I go to the bar and order a shot, and have a cigarette while they sip coffee.  We drag them to a dance club for typical bachlorette shinanagins...Lori is recently single and forgets this is a night for her long time friend and constantly has to be dragged from one douche bag or the other.  It starts to annoy me.  Midnight half the party leaves to order pizza and put on jammies...pussies.  Little by little they all end up leaving the dance floor until it's just me and Lori (and previously mentioned douche #3).  The club closes and DB#3 and his friend want to walk us to the hotel across the street, whatever.  Lori is making out in the elevator DB#3's friend and I are eyeing each other uncomfortabley (I am repeating rules from last post in my head).  We get to our floor where I remind Lori that the old ladies are asleep in our room but, she does not care.  She wants to drink more and wants the boys to come in...I am trying to be the voice of reason but, damn she is housed.  She can't find the booze and starts bangin gon the other 2 rooms of girls to find some.  THEY ARE ALL ASLEEP.  I think it might be 3am.  Security obviously used to such behavior demands we all go in our rooms.  At this point DB#3 finally gets uncomfortable and leaves.  Lori is livid.  She nor I till this day really know why...she wants to smoke in our room and I won't let her.  She is going outside and can't find her purse and then it is on.  Me in my jammies already am over it and want to sleep, I know her purse is somewhere but, know that I and she are too drunk to ever find it.  She starts banging on the doors again, starts turning on our lights and just being a twat.  I snapped.  I have no idea what I said to her but, I think it was something like, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  "NOONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOUR PURSE!!"  She got mad at me and left, ha!  Just what I wanted, the bed to myself!!!  Thank god it didn't turn physical..she'd crush me like a bug.  My other friend told me that she came in their room and cried herself to sleep.  It's what she deserved though, damn!  The next morning she apologized and all was well...oh and I "accidentally"ended up with some chicks straightening iron, wonder how that happened????? 

 

Drunked pix as promised...

 

 

 

 

Well, techinically 2.5 days...here's a not to secret secret about me...I fucking love to go out.  Seriously, I'm going to be that old bitch in the bar embarrassing herself and rubbing down 20 year old's and growling, "Mama like..."  Oh wait that was last week...

 

But, oh the torture of the next day...now if I go out on a Friday night I spend the next day ALL ALONE.  Kevin works on Saturdays and while that frees me up to watch all the Sweet Sixteen I can handle, it sucks, it sucks, it sucks!!!!!!!!!!!  Saturdays are better but, then I have to do homework the next day hungover and that never ends well.  It ususally goes do a little work, lay down, make cookies, eat them all, order chinese, eat it all, do a little work, take a shower to brighten up, take a nap, and now it's 9pm.  I'm halfway done and I say fuck it.   But, this weekend is going to be different!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The party is in my town which is perfect as I can't trust DB to take care of the baby.  Yes, DB is his nickname and yes it stands for douchebag (yes www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com is my fav and no we aren't on there).  Friday night is a "get together" at my BFF Lori's house.   It is not supossed to turn into a drunken puke-fest but, you never know...I will not get hammered (I mean it this time!) because DB does have to work and Sat. night is supossed to be the puke-fest!  We have a few hotel rooms uptown and it's going to be legen-dary!  Here are a few reminders I am writing down for myself:

 

1-Do NOT make out with strangers and freak out the B2B (bride to be, duh)

2-Do NOT talk about how Goddamn hard marriage is

3-Do NOT talk about how Goddamn hard kids are

4-Do NOT pretend to be sick so you can sleep an entire night BY YOURSELF!!

5-Do NOT get suckered by DB's freak out that is inevitably going to happen

6-DO get drunk way early so you are incapable of driving home, "just to check on them."  He sucks but, he won't LITERALLY kill the children.

 

I really, really am tempted by #4!  Lots of sloppy drunked pix to come I'm sure!

15 months people and it is so. on.

 

It's like, oooohhh right I remember this...the back is arched and I place her gently on the floor, step over her and say I know life sucks.  She is red and screaming at the top of her lungs, lol.  I am handling the tantrum right that day.  I wish I could be like that everyday with both kids...Sometimes I am incapable of ignoring the attitude or the screaming.  Sometime I even scream back or say you are so gay(ok not really but, he KNOWS I'm thinking it).  This is where that "not quite grownup" thing comes into play.  I'm working on it though...something about admitting it is the first step??

 

Stella has been doing really cute things that make me want to talk about her to people...even people that don't have kids.  We all know that those people don't care but, we feel the need to tell them anyway.  Like somehow they will decide to like kids because damn your kid is just that cute.  Anyway since I know you guys care listen up!  She wants to be read to...like all the time.  When I say "read to"  I mean turn the pages and point at them.  She knows that a duck says. "quack, quack" and I'll be damned but, toddlers must like ducks because there is a duck in 3 out of 4 of her books!  So she really just wants to get to the duck part of the book which cracks me up.  We flip, flip, flip and stop on the duck to comment, oh, oh!  Quack, quack, quack (while pointing and looking adorable).  Then we will flip a page or two, flip back to the duck and repeat the comments.  When we get to the end of the book she all but flings/shoves the book IN YOUR FACE.  If you aren't ready you could loose an eye, for real.  This motion apparently means, "again please" in toddlernese.  So while the big nerd part of me LOVES that she is already way more interested in books than Mason ever was, another part of me is hiding the books under the couch so I can just pee!! 

for my new expression.  It means bad by the way.  Not hot like I am so hot...anyhoo.

 

Holy fuck...

 

"Class, Robinson Enterprises is considering issuing a 20-year convertible bond that will be priced at its par value of $1,000 per bond. The bonds have a 12 percent annual coupon interest rate, and each bond could be converted into 40 shares of common stock. The stock currently sells at $20 per share, has an expected annual dividend of $3, and is growing at a constant 5 percent per year. The bonds are callable after 10 years at a price of $1,050, with the price declining by $5 per year thereafter. If, after 10 years, the conversion value exceeds the call price by at least 20 percent, management will call the bonds. What is the conversion price?"

 

You know the answer???  Yeah, me neither.  I'm in trouble and it's only week 1 of this class...shit like this reminds me that I am really only average itelligence, nothing special or overly smart.  I have been trying to finish my homework that was due YESTERDAY for ho about 2 hours and I've got like .1% of it done.  I want to quit but, I can't...be jealous of me today, very, very jealous.

 

 

Finally a breathe...a cautious peeking up from the hole.  Is it ok?  I think it might be. 

 

After some really tough decision making we decided to put Mason in a BED class (special ed sort of).  He is at a totally different school that has 2-3 teachers in the classroom of 8 or so other challenging kids with all kinds of counselors and technicians on hand.  He is also on a new combo of meds that seem to be working.  He is a little emotional and I"m having to force feed him again, which makes me sooo sad.  I've been more than happy to see the little belly and the double chin he's developed.  I actually had to buy him a bigger size of pants!  That hasn't happened in at least 2 years.  He is happy too that he's gotten bigger.  I may have to sneak protein powder back into his food.  He is MOST DEFINITELY ADHD and has to have the meds as much as I wanted to find something else.  For 7 years he's been on one type of ritilin after another, then we switched to a few different mood disorder meds...Turns out he's not bipolar but, he does need a mood stabilizer.  The mood stabilizer makes him gain weight while the Adderall suppresses his appetite...we'll see what happens.  There is always an initial period of weight loss then it levels out.  That's why diet meds never work by the way.  Anyhoo, with the 2 of these things together I've actually worked an entire 10 days straight.  I can't even believe it.  I think my nitemare is finally ending.  Let's do a shot! 

 

Stella is racing around our house and becoming a red-headed strong willed monster.  Damn...I found her sucking on the tube of toothpaste the other day so I took it from her.  She screamed as loud as she could, then hauled off and smacked me right in the chest.  WTF??  She's 14 months old...I'm so screwed...

Did you think this post would be something new or positive?  Wrong bitches!  I am really starting to wonder why God chose to give me children.  I mean really?  Me?  I have the lowest threshold for patience.  And really once they get past say, 6 they just aren't cute anymore.  Maybe the girl experience will be different but, something tells me I will have no time for the sass mouth from her either.  I read a lot of blogs and they are mostly from new Moms and while I don't read flowery bullshit people they do seem to really like their kids more than me.  I had a theory that it's because they are still little and cute.  I hope that holds up for a little while longer, like I need more reasons to feel bad about myself!  Oh wait!  I forgot about Mocha Mom!  She seems to like all kinds of older kids, hers and the ones she teaches...shit.  Oh see but, she's not normal, she's a teacher they, fart gold dust and stuff.  I could never, ever, ever, ever, ever be a teacher.  I can't get over how that incredibly hard, emotionally draining job pays so little.  I am a good parent for the teachers I think.  I don't call bullshit.  I know my kid's an asshole.  Period.  I know he's hard and I will warn you in the beginning how to handle him.  I feel as sorry for the teachers as I do myslef when our plans fail for Mason.  As much as I would like to give them all $100 gift certificates or their very own new CAR,  I am broke.  So to make my dollar stretch for all 5 teachers, including Stella's I made treats.  I also bought fabulous anti-bacterial lotions and soaps for them.   I am thinking they would have preferred the car...noone has said anything!  Stella's teacher was carrying the gift in her hand and didn't offer a "oh, Jessica, you MADE these delicious treats???!!"  "Where do you find the time?"  "I wish I could be like you."   I don't think that's asking to much do you?

So, last week I thought I was dying.  One 4 hour visit to the ER and 6 tubes of blood later they say, no sweetcheeks that'd be stress.  Stress that makes your heart hurt, so if you could just go ahead and dump all that stress, that'd be good.  Oh, you say you won't divorce your husband or abandon him with the assholes, I mean kids?  Well here's some Xanax.  I said, thank you kind sir.  He only gave me 25 though, so I'm going to be out very, very soon.  Nah just kidding.  But, I didn't think to bring them to work today stupid, stupid me.  Here is is a school day and stuff and one hour into school, the source of my heart-stress calls.  And then he's promptly suspended for 2 days.  Mother fucker, I need a pill.  And a shot.  And a bong hit. And a pack of cigarettes.  I hate kids.  It makes me want to call my Mother and apologize for existing. 

So Mason against my better judgment is riding the bus home from school now.  He lets himself in and has a snack and chills for an hour until I get home.  And by chills I mean he calls me at least 765 times to ask me anything at all.  He's also started to call me from school a few times a day.  While I do like making sure he is safe and sound inside the house, he has taken on the characteristic of his father by calling me over and over again if I do not answer the phone.  Quite embarassing when your boss is at your desk trying to talk to you or say you are tying to earn the bacon by actually concentrating and not blogging!  He asked his Dad last night what his cell number was and Kevin said, "Pass."  I thought that was funny but, slipped it into his backpack later just in case Kevin were to miss any fun!

So a few months ago I spouted some random rage down on this blog...My sister and I haven't spoken in 5 months...well except for the 2 days where we ripped each other to shreds.   As a lot of stuff in life I have managed to push this unpleasentness to the edge of my mind, no time to worry about this now!  I have a baby and an asshole kid, I'M SSOOO BUSY!  I found out she had changed jobs and I managed to ask my Mom...has she asked about me...no honey she hasn't.  I sucked it up and sent her kids an invite to Stella's 1st birthday and recieved no correspondence.  I don't know if she came because we decided to have the party at my in-laws since noone in my family could bother and his Dad was sick.  She never sent a card or a gift for Stella.  Now I can get over a lot of stuff and forgive a lot of stuff but, the first birthday of a baby is a huge deal.  I've been to every one of her kids 1st birthday parties and most of the rest of them too.  She doesn't let me know anything about anything.  I changed my cell and texted her the new number, I sent her new pictures of Mason and Stella.  All I hear is silence.  This will be the first holiday in a long time that we won't celebrate it together.  I was under the impression that we all had a great time together but, apparently I was all wrong.  It's hard for me to not force myself back on her.  My definition of family is unconditional that you can treat me like shit but, we are still family.  We can at least see each other at holidays.  But, judging from the crickets I hear from her side of town she's not interested.  I don't understand how she can be this way.  We both know all too well what it means to lose someone when you had so much to say.   I care about these things...I miss seeing my nieces and nephew.  How big are they now?  But, she does not seem to wonder or to care.  How can she not want to see Stella?  How can she not want to see how tall Mason is?  Be pissed at me fine, but we are family doesn't that count for something?  Part of me wants to reach out and just say let's go get a drink and talk.  But, then the physical pain of her not caring stops me.  Just because I want something doesn't mean it will have a happy ending like some trite novel.   So, I will send her children gifts not knowing if she's bothering to return the favor, I hope they like them and they remember me.  I'm sad but, I will get over it and focus on the positives of the family that I do have, that loves me and doesn't require me to be a certain way in order to love me.  That's unconditional and that is the right way for a family to behave.

No, it's not my new profile pic!  I have exactly 2 pictures of myself and this is one of the...lucky you!  Moving on...

 

 

What?  You weren't going to use that were you?

 

 

See!  Cute!

 

 

Self portraits...

 

 

Ooooohhhhh.............not so much cute as tasty...is this post getting creepy?  Mmkay, I'll stop!

WTF??  This used to be something that I couldn't wait to come do, this blogging, this therapy.  But, have you ever gotten so. fucking. sick. of your shit?  I mean jesus christ on a cracker it's the same fucking story over and over again...I hate my husband, my son is terrible in school, I'm broke, I like getting drunk, rinse and repeat.  The only sliver of anything exciting, fun and new is Stella.   Is that wrong to show such blatant favortism?  I think I'm broken as a Mom to Mason.   I'm out of energy, so much that I really don't care to get into why he's make my life a living hell on earth the last 2 months and there is no end in sight...Noone can find a drug to help him, no amount of reward system, punsihment or boot camp is even TOUCHING this kid.  I'm afraid I've somehow managed to raise my own little sociopath.  Yeah me. 

 

Stella turned one 10/12.  Already it begins, the tantrums, the pushing away, the get off of me Mom looks...but, at night after she's had her bottle I will scoop her up and cradle her big fatty mcfatfat self as best I can, with her little face on my chest and I will stare at her.  Sometimes she will stare back, sometimes she will sleep and I will look at her little angel face and I hope and I pray with all my soul that I don't fuck her up too.

Shamelessly stolen from the great Louis CK

 

Jessica, what did you do today?

I hate that mother fucker that's what I did today.

 

My new job is to hate my husband.  If you haven't seen the Louis CK stand up on Comedy Central get out your TiVo remotes peeps.  He is one of the funniest ever!!!!!!!! 

*SNAP*

 

I always close the lid to the baby wipes because dear god how can you even think of wasting 10 cents?  Last night the baby woke up...screaming.  I know shocker right???!!!  I change her and feed her, put her back down.  She is asleep after burning a hole in my face the whole time she is drinking, making me think I'm in for a long night. 

 

Her crib is still in our room and every time I think I'm ready and for sure we will move her this weekend, we don't.  I don't say anything and Kevin doesn't say anything.  Oh did I mention she will be 10 months soon??  Call me a sap but, I just can't bear the thought of it!  If I could climb in there and sleep with her I would.  I drew the line at co-sleeping because I was terrified of it and would never sleep when it did happen.   

 

So I'm tip toe-ing back to my bed, casually, out of habit, reach down and close the wipes.  The sound echoed through the entire city I swear and suddenly she was like a creepy doll and her eyes SNAPPED open!  I'm frozen NOT trying to make eye contact.  Fuck, she saw me.  Here comes the lip...it was a long night afterall.  Was that really worth 10 cents??  I'm an asshole.

Me in 10 seconds...not that I'm going to the conference.  Whatever.  I don't want to go anyway.  Really.  I don't.  Even if you gave me a free ticket and an invitation from the coolest chick I wouldn't go.  Really.  I mean it. 

 

OK back to the assignment...

 

10 seconds go-

 

I'm a mom to a dirty pubescent boy and 9 month old girl. 

Love the boy but, hate the fart jokes and penis references that bring joy to his father. 

Love the girl but, hate shitty diapers and interrupted sleep. 

Love my husband about 50% of the time hate his friggin guts the other. 

I have a filthy mouth and do kiss my mother with it.

I may have anger issues.

Oh and my job sucks donkey balls.

 

I think that was pretty damn close to 10 seconds!!

 

 

I mean I'm bored, it's hot!!!  Jesus.  Someone rescue me from the sadness of summer TV.  I tried to be all upbeat about it but, it's not working out so well...it's definitely you not me summer TV.

 

My baby boy will be 12 in a week.  Fucking-A.  12.  I know it's all trite but, time does fly.  Well, not fly really just take you by surprise.  I feel like it's been a long 12 years but, it's just so bizarre how much he's like a snotty teenager.  Especially when you have this tiny baby to compare him to.  I found a picture the other day of him at 5 and of course cried like a complete hormonal chic, shutup.  I was just looking at his tiny little face wondering what happened?  He won't even stay in the room with me anymore.  The little boy who used to beg to sleep with me, who I used to race home to see.  Now there's no need to rush, he's not there and if he is he's busy.  Busy, living his very social life and I love that.  It's great that he has so much to do and so many friends that make him happy.  I'm not supossed to be his buddy but, when did that happen???  I don't even have to cut up his food anymore.  I try really, really hard to not let the baby take up all the space in my heart.  Very easily I could let that happen because I am co-dependent and she REALLY needs me.  So in order for him to still love me and to think I am totally cool I will buy a stupid present.  One that's a little dangerous but, oh so cool.  And then I will make a cake and cover it with cherries.   It will be great.  I can't wait to see his face.  The thin face, that could use some fat on it...some round cheeks maybe?  I guess those days are long gone!  I won't even get into the frequent showers....